i've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. [i preface this blog with that so you can stop reading if you want :)]

though we're a week or two past the date, we're still pretty close to my one-year anniversary of becoming a christian.

i can imagine that statement provokes a "what?" for a few different reasons.

for those of you that knew me in high school, the 'what' is more specifically - you weren't a christian in high school? what about FCA, youth group, vespers?

for those of you that have gotten to know me in this past year the 'what' is probably more of a 'you call yourself a christian?!'

let me quick clarify my definition of christianity is not, because this is a fine line. the way i was raised was to believe in God, say you follow Jesus, and that way you can go to heaven. just like that. so yes, in high school i believed in God, tried to follow the commandments, and mentally (or verbally) judged those that did not do the same. all in hopes of not going to hell.

here was the problem: i didn't have any reason for what i believed in, except for the fact that i didn't want to burn for the rest of my life. i didn't really care about heaven - i'd be fine rotting in a box until the end of time if i didn't have to burn. and this was super unfulfilling. i felt like every day was a roll of the dice...if i don't say that Jesus is God or if i lie to someone or if i swear on the soccer field, i better not die today because i might not go to heaven! christianity sucked, but there was really no other way...

november of '07 a friend of mine lent me the book 'the gutter' by craig gross. she said the book would be unlike anything i'd ever read before. being a non-reader, i let it sit on the shelf for a few months. finally over spring break of my freshman year, i decided to read it. it was late at night - probably midnight, and let's just say i read it from cover to cover and finished around 4am. i couldn't put it down.

here's why:

it talked about this Jesus who loved people - loved all people, and wanted us to do the same. it talked about people in the church being sinners too (which at the time was a foreign concept to me..). the 360some laws in the OT were kinda old news. or at least no longer something to beat over someone elses' head. jesus said love comes in first place now.

hmm, that sounds kinda cool. i want that. so i started to think differently. i don't look at people for the sin they commit (well, i try not to..). to be honest, i'm more guilty of judging christians than anyone else. [which i'm secretly proud of, even though i shouldn't be..].

----------------------------------------------------------

that was a year ago. this past year has been far from perfection for me. if i thought long enough about it, i could probably say i 'sinned the most' this year. i've been dishonest, unjust, drunk, disloyal, angry, untrusting, lustful, judgmental, jealous, and hypocritical. not quite the fruits of the spirit, eh? but i feel a difference. and i can't really pinpoint what that is. there seems to be this security in not having all the answers. and let me clarify: i do not have all the answers. does this justify what i've done to those i've hurt? absolutely not. i can't tell you the sleep i've lost over every one of the things on that list. but the Bible does not say that we will not make mistakes. it doesn't say that we won't sin against God. it doesn't say we won't sin against those we care about. it does say that we as Christ-followers are humble people, admitting when we have done wrong. and i think i'm at that point. i hope.

so i'm proud to say that i (a sinner) no longer 'believe, say, and go to heaven' but i 'love, admit, and experience eternal life right now.'

happy easter.