change. is good.

i can't believe how much i've changed in a year.
coming out of high school, i was a pretty confident person.
my friends were comfortable with ridiculousness and i could do anything i wanted around them.
last summer, along with the "crew", i started casually drinking.
the casual turned into a bit more of a drunken phase.
i came into college seeking out those who were covenant breakers along with me.
i found a few. we hung out.
definitely blew a couple good friendships with my immature habits.
i was far from reaching my potential.
i became quite the homebody and lived in my room and on my floor.
going home for christmas break i couldn't help but be disappointed.
i fought everything inside me to go back for second semester.
i prayed for friends..odd..but i really didn't have any.
and quickly..very quickly..they arrived.
i was at a point where i was like 84% rachel.
which was pretty good.
the year dwindled down and just got worse.
much worse.
i didn't know who i was anymore.
as bethel freshman year came to a close, lake beauty neared.
i had zero expectations for lbbc..maybe a few bad ones.
got to camp, the first few days of staff training confirmed my lack of excitement.
gah, another 3 months of suckiness.
nope, not so much.
sarah jean johnson had some different plans for my summer.
according to brian alnes she "ripped me out of my shell".
spooning in a tent during a rainstorm will do that to ya.
things began to blossom.
i'd go to bed smiling (?) even though i was sleep-deprived and starving.
people appreciated my presence for once.
i had people to confide in.
i loved every second of my summer.
every second.
i loved living in a place 24/7 that i actually fit in.
twas great.
i was introduced to the "well of friendship".
my friends at camp changed my life.
i miss them.
i long for them (?).
leaving camp was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.
saying goodbye to people i didn't have solid plans to see again.
amidst the chaos of camp i forgot that i had to go back.
to bethel.
a place that i currently was afraid of.
hoping sophomore year wasn't a sappy sequel.
this past month has been so hard.
i don't know what to do with myself.
there aren't bells telling me where to go and what to do.
i miss the busyness.
so as blessed as i feel for an amazing summer, i'm distraught with what to do now.
i was reading my bible last night (of course, i go to bethel.)
came across a fitting psalm.
"He renews my strength".
i had an immense strength this summer.
a confidence.
it's gone now.
but He renews it.
He will.
college is looking up.
i haven't had a drink in just about a year.
the habit gets old.
i just feel like i've grown up a lot.
petty problems disappear.
my roommates are phenom.
i'm starting to count my lbbc blessings for what they were.
and are.
but it's time to move on.
aaaaand go.