mammon.

it seems every time God wants to teach me a lesson - he has to beat me over the head with it until i FINALLY get it. maybe it's because he's persistent..or maybe it's because i'm that blind to His ways. God's lesson for Rachel this fall: money. and like i said, he couldn't just give me a little sign - some pretty big financial things have happened this fall. i say these things not for pity [pleaseNO] but maybe you can relate. and learn something. now wouldn't that be cute.

here are God's hammers..in list form. sweet.

1. about a month ago, my wallet was stolen. i have no idea how. i don't know how it was taken. i don't know who took it. all i know is that they spent all the money i had (which mind you, wasn't much) on gasoline. my check card was gone..as was my license. ruh-roh. i had ten dollars in my desk. let's progress this story on to #2.

2. poor me. i have no money. the next day i stumbled across something that struck my fancy. a certain 'benefactor' of mine had overpaid on my bethel account. by quite a bit. money problem solved..withdrawal withdrawal withdrawal. i went from being dirt poor to having more money than i think i've ever had at once. life is great.

3. i decided that my average phone was no longer good enough. there was certainly nothing wrong with it - well, except the startling fact that it was..well..lame. a guy from my church had recently acquired an iphone that he didn't really want and asked me if i wanted to buy it. YES PLEASE. [shell out $150]. no worries..i can get MORE money.

[is anyone else seeing this story getting worse and worse? it's about to take a pretty fateful turn. just you wait.]

4. the world was my oyster..i shopped. and i shopped. nobody knew what i was doing..all they knew was that my clothes were getting cooler..and so was i. sweet life, eh?

5. about a week into my riches, my car broke down. eff. cash doesn't do much when you can't take it anywhere. that's what's nice about having a check card - online shopping. but i didn't have one. eff. there was no way to fix my car until 5 days later when my dad was coming to town. i started to feel fairly unhappy.

6. i knew i couldn't wait 4 days to get my car back, so one day after class i went out to the parking lot and prayed [with all my heart] for my car to start. after all, i needed it to get to my internship - that one for Jesus, you know, at a church - right? it didn't start. again, eff. i called my dad to ask for instructions and after i hung up i set the phone in my lap and tried again. no go. angry, i thrust open the door of my car, angrily got up and the iphone flew. picture this as a movie..slow mo..i watched as the love of my life collided with the pavement. [insert any swear words you can think of]. in two seconds, that $150 piece of glory became a lifeless piece of trashmetal.

7. things went from bad to worse. i had bought a sweet hat with some of my mammon*..wore it twice and proceeded to lose it at the fall retreat. not only that, my scam was up. the money was gone. there was none left. and i had nothing to show for it.

*mammon is the term they use in the Bible for the god of money. fitting, eh?

8. things were not going well for me. i had taken a two week vacation from classes by playing on the internet on my iphone while pretending to listen. one of my profs even pulled me aside after class to let me know he was disappointed in my lack of participation. [yikes..that was not a good feeling.] slowly i started to see God's intricate plan working together.

10. i was reading a book the other day - ha i know! the author was talking about a period of her life where mammon was sovereign in her life. she didn't have much, but she replaced the lack of money with worry. she wasn't trusting God that he would provide the funds for her. [this is one of those moments where i literally felt that hammer crashing down on my head]. not only was i indulging in all of my wants, i was taking them assuming that God would not provide for me. after all, i am working at a non-paid internship and i hate asking my benefactor for money.

11. last weekend i was in charge of a middle school girl small group at church. usually we talk about what it means to be a woman and then go spend $40 on pizza. it's a pretty sweet deal..once a month we get to put it all on the church's tab. booya. [quick note, at this part in the story i am becoming VERY aware of my own personal mammon, and starting to make moves in the right direction]. i decided that $40 of pizza is kind of a waste..and it just happened to be operation christmas child pick up day at my church. [for those of you that don't know what that is, it's a program where you pack a gift and this organization delivers it to a needy kid in a needy country - it's a pretty sweet deal]. i decided that instead we would go to target and spend $20 on a gift for needy children. cute. i don't think my girls were as thrilled about the idea as i was. there were some definite complaints, and they definitely did the math and realized we still had some money for food. they went in search of food before we even finished getting stuff for the gift! i called a team huddle and told them that today was not about us...we were forfeiting our wants so that someone else could get a Christmas present. as they started to realize that, i realized something of my own. what did i care about this gift - the church was gonna reimburse me anyways. after we checked out, i had $4 in my purse. the youth pastor was out of town that week so i couldn't be reimbursed that day and fear overcame me. $4. that's all i had to my name. i had no way of accessing my bank account.

$4fear$4fear$4fear.

12. i have never heard God's voice before. people always say that they hear it, but i've NEVER heard it. on my way home from church that day, i heard it. loud and clear. "trust me, rachel." over and over. "trust me rachel."

"trust me rachel" "TRUST ME RACHEL" "trust me rachel"

13. so i did. even though my gas tank was tipping on empty [ps my dad fixed my car no problem...i think i forgot to say that], i realized that God was sovereign over mammon. i felt the grips of mammon slipping away, and for the first time in a long time, i felt at peace. and by long time, i mean perhaps years. i kid you not, nancy prays daily that i will find peace. i'm so wired all the time, and that doesn't necessarily come from mountain dew.

14. i drive a '97 dodge durango. it gets about 12 miles to the gallon. i filled it up once in july for $85. if you know anything about working at a bible camp, that's about a week's worth of wages. okay, maybe a little less. anyone who has been outside in the last month should know that gas prices are low. and i mean really low. they haven't been this low since before i got my license. a friend owed me some money, and before i knew it, my $4 turned into $24. i put all of that into my gas tank and got 3/4 tank so i could get home for thanksgiving. i prayed as i put that money into my tank that God would protect me and that he would show me that he is sovereign over mammon. he did. nancy had saved up a little bit of gas money for me and was able to fill half my tank. the other half came from emily wunderlich's mom, who paid me for giving her a ride home.

15. today's sermon in church was on luke 16. if you're not familiar with it, it's a rather confusing passage. but there's a verse in there that leaves nothing to the imagination. 'one cannot serve two gods.'

[true that.]

16. so that brings us to today. where do i stand? my Christian life is perfect..God is protecting me..no more temptation..HOLLA. umm..no. i am still a squanderer [ =) ] at heart, and it has its grips on me. its a good thing that God is teaching me this lesson now, considering that my vocation of choice does not have much to offer financially. but i'm starting not to care. i received a letter from a dear friend today who is facing somewhat of an opposite conundrum. she'll be graduating in the spring with a degree in accounting..headed for a life of financial grandeur.

here's what she said: "i need to make sure i'm careful about getting a job but keeping a balance in my soul. am i helping people? am i able to serve God while working 80-100 hours a week and slaving away for worthless praise & prestige? i love accounting. but i also want to keep loving life & enjoying the many blessings i have. i've loved life without loving money so far & i want this to continue. it's so easy to lose sight of this."

she had no idea what i've been going through. but these words literally calmed my soul. if i ever write a book, this quote will be in there. we can all take a lesson from her..wow.

17. considering 17 is my lucky number, this seems like a good place to stop. and i know what you're thinking.."if i ever write a book" - psht she just did, and i just spent way too much time reading it.

i love you. that sounds weird to say to a crowd of people i don't know. but i do. i hope you're more self-aware than i am and that God doesn't need to hammer you. but let me note that if things keep going bad in your life..that's a pretty good sign that God is trying to show you something.